In the past we’ve all made resolutions for the upcoming year which sounded good at the time, but turned out to be more than we bargained for.
Either we felt that our behaviors over the years have become bad habits, or someone else has been trying to get us to change. Whether it’s something we ourselves would like to change or something that’s getting on the nerves of our friends, family members, co-workers, etc., we decided to do something about it. Stop smoking, drink less, eat healthier, exercise more, be more punctual, cut out the snide remarks…you get the idea. How about this time around we decide to change something that will be easier and much more fun? If you want to get your groove back or just kick it up a notch or two (maybe three or four) this is a resolution that may last throughout the year and, hopefully, way beyond. If you’ve noticed that you’re in a rut, you haven’t been enjoying sex as much as you used to, or you’re just not that interested in sex, there are ways to kick start your sex life and learn a few things in the process.
You may ask yourself: How can I do that? Where do I start? Why bother? Well, the answers are clear. We have all changed things about ourselves that weren’t working for us. A job that seemed to be going nowhere, for example. Not an easy task, I agree. Perhaps you always wanted to go back to school to earn that degree. Or learn a skill that has been lurking in the back of your mind. Start a business and be your own boss. Take it from me, it’s never too late. For any of these things, including improving your sex life. If you are perfectly happy with things as they are, then no problem. But even if things in the sex department are satisfactory, it doesn’t hurt to explore a bit. Have you heard about or read of a technique that sounds interesting? There’s no reason not to look into it a little further. If you’ve ever wondered what it would be like to experience something new, exciting, even a bit kinky, then it helps to have all the information you need before venturing out there to try it. Sometimes the opportunity just presents itself, but not all that often. That is why research and some tips on what to do, and what not to do (at least in the beginning) can be extremely helpful. Of course, knowing the facts and the myths make the decision to go ahead much easier and safer.
If you’re not feeling all that adventurous, just doing what you do best and enjoy the most is always an option. That doesn’t mean that you can’t find out more about it to make it feel even better. Recently, there have been a couple of articles written about sex education and how inadequate for many of us it has been. Did you learn about sex in school? From whom? The science or physical education teacher? Who taught them? I’m pretty certain that they had about as much sex education as your math teacher. Or even the lunch lady. She may have had more! So maybe you went to school during the “abstinence only” era. Even worse. Is that the way to learn about something? Being told to “just say no.” O.K. so you learned about sex at home. Your parents were very liberal and decided that you weren’t going to go through what they did. Great! I’m sure you felt just as comfortable asking mom and dad how to experience a toe-curling orgasm. About as comfortable as they were telling you what did it for them. No, you probably learned the most about sex from your friends or books and movies. Just watching When Harry Met Sally, as entertaining as it was, didn’t exactly explain why the director’s mother said “I’ll have what she’s having.” And if you read the now famous 50 Shades 0f Gray, you probably still didn’t learn a whole lot about the basics. Yes, that three volume set opened the door to a hell of a lot of discussion around BDSM, and that’s a very good thing, but it was NOT an instructional manual. Sure, the internet is usually a good source of information if you can rely on the sources of information. There again, it’s not so helpful when you don’t know whether the source is speaking from a research perspective or personal opinion. Who are the experts? What makes them experts in the first place? What is their true agenda?
So, back to the question of how do I improve my sex life? As you may know from some of my previous blogs, the best answer to a question is sometimes another question. And another, and another… until you arrive at the answer that satisfies, for now, your curiosity. If you want something to be better, then ask yourself what is it I really want? Not sure? Fine. You’re on your way. Sometimes, sex therapy isn’t about “fixing” something. That old adage “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it” may hold true for some things, but for your health and happiness? I don’t think so. Taking something that works and improving it so that it works exquisitely can be so rewarding. Do you drive a car? Have you ever noticed how much sweeter the ride after an oil change or a new set of tires? Not to say that sex is like a well-maintained vehicle….well, maybe it is. A little bit. A new paint job and some chrome can be like a makeover. What was fine looking before, is now really fine. And lot more fun to drive.
Of course, as a sex therapist in practice, I know that for some people this is no easy task. There can be many deep-rooted issues that stand in the way of making any changes in out lives. That is why we are here to help. If the problem is more than just setting a goal and sticking to it, then getting some qualified professional assistance may be the answer. So, if you’re reading this, you may just be one of the many who could benefit from a consultation here at The New Jersey Center for Sex Therapy. We are here to help. Thanks for checking out our website and go ahead, make that call of click on out email address. It could be the start of a very rewarding new year that will last for years to come. Happy New Year, everyone!